Middlesex Wooden Spoon committee member David Hiles

Golden Oldies festivals are held every two years alternately in the Northern and Southern hemispheres. David has been with the Old Vulgarians for ten years, playing in Vancouver, Cape Town, Adelaide, Brisbane, San Diego and now Wellington.  ‘Playing’ is perhaps stretching the imagination just a bit. During the week-long festival three matches are played, each of one hour duration – three ‘halves’ of twenty minutes. Multiple substitutions are encouraged as most participants only get their rugby gear out for these events. No one is allowed to run more than 15 yards with the ball, kicking is banned outside the ‘22’, scrums are uncontested and the level of tackling depends on age. Once you reach 60 you go into red shorts, followed by gold for 65-69, then purple at 70 and purple with gold stripe at 80. Yes, there are 80 year olds and even some in their 90s. The art of the game is to have enough ‘golds’ in your team to be able to walk the ball from one end of the pitch to the other as they cannot be tackled, but they have to pass the ball when touched. It is totally against the spirit of Golden Oldies rugby to remember the score or claim a victory.

The week in Wellington followed a traditional pattern: opening ceremony and party;  first match day; free day or club trip; second match; Golden Oldies day out; last match and finally the closing ceremony and banquet. This time the opening parade, which was scheduled to march from the Parliament Buildings through the streets of Wellington to the Te Papa Museum, was cancelled due to high wind and horizontal rain. However over 5,000 people congregated in the Te Papa Museum for an evening of food, beer and wine and some wonderful Maori entertainment.

All teams have their distinctive uniforms. The Old Vulgarians’ No 1s, starting at the bottom, consist of white shoes, red trousers, white blazer, blue shirt and club tie, topped (to emphasise our English origins) by a straw boater. Try to visualise over 150 teams all in different costumes parading through a city or gathered at a ceremony and it is truly a magnificent sight depicting the real spirit of amateur rugby. The ‘If Onlys’ from Thurrock in Essex dress as ‘Pearly Kings and Queens’, Alaskans as lumberjacks, South Sea Islanders and Japanese in their traditional costumes, Heidelbergers in ‘Prussian helmets’, and teams from Russia, the USA, Australia, South Africa, all parts of Europe and, of course, New Zealand all colourfully attired. At this party, and through the rest of the week, there is the chance to catch up with people you have met and played against in previous festivals.

The first match was at Karori Park against local side ‘Eastern Magpies’. These were guys who play ‘serious’ vets rugby in a New Zealand league so the Old Vulgarians were outclassed. The second game was with an Australian team from Bundesberg in Queensland, famous for its rum. The match was punctuated by several stops to partake of generous amounts of the dark liquid. No one remembered the score. The last match, and by far the most enjoyable, was against the Cook Island Diplomatic Corps at Petone Rugby Club. Petone has produced thirty ‘All Blacks’. It seemed that the complete Cook Islands parliament was in the team – one of the fly-halves was, wearing gold shorts, His Excellency Sir Fred Goodwin the Queen’s Representative (modern name for the Governor); the Captain was the Deputy Prime Minister who had been ‘red-carded’ in an earlier match. They may not have been the most mobile but they were all pretty solid and if you were daft enough to run into one you just bounced off. After each game the teams select a ‘character or man-of-the-match’. The Old Vulgarians just had to nominate Sir Fred; after all, he had stayed in Windsor Castle for the Queen’s Jubilee. The Cook Islanders responded by selecting Spooner David Hiles, probably because all Europeans look alike to a Cook Islander and David had ‘gold shorts’.

The Club ‘day out’ was to the Martinborough wine district with a memorable lunch in the Martinborough Hotel. The Golden Oldies trip was to be taken by train to the west coast of the North Island for a ‘day at the races’ at the Otaki Maori Racecourse. Being an informal event, the Old Vulgarians wore their No 2s – colourful polo shirt, red trousers and club cap. David had previously swapped his Old Vulgarians shirt but his Wooden Spoon rugby jersey was just as colourful. This was recognised by several people not from the UK including the President of the equivalent New Zealand organisation.

The other event, attended by David and Daphne, was a reception at the New Zealand Parliament where they represented the Old Vulgarians. Here they met with Scottish Wooden Spoon President Gavin Hastings who was there to promote the next Golden Oldies, which will be in Edinburgh in September 2008. The Grand Farewell Banquet was again in the Te Papa Museum. This was an opportunity to swap rugby kit, ties and pin badges. The Old Vulgarians’ boaters were much in demand. It was an evening of high emotion with everyone vowing to ‘see you in Edinburgh in 2008’. As it was 4th of November the city of Wellington put on a fabulous ‘Guy Fawkes’ fireworks display out in the harbour. After all, the golden oldies had put something in the order of 12 million $NZ into the local economy in a week.

The next Golden Oldies will be in Edinburgh in September 2008. On the other side of the world it is not well supported by teams from the British Isles. So all you Wooden Spooners, nudge your local rugby club to join the Old Vulgarians and their hundreds of friends for a week of, to quote the Golden Oldies motto, “Fun, friendship and fraternity”.

For more information on the Old Vulgarians, and the Golden Oldies tour in Edinburgh 2008, please contact David Hiles, through the Middlesex committee.